Are You Waiting For Permission?

And one thing I have discovered is when everyone says you’re out of your mind, you just might be on to something.
– Jeff Arch, director Sleepless in Seattle

Nope, your eyes aren't deceiving you: I am in fact quoting the director of Sleepless in Seattle, arguably one of the greatest estrogen-inducing movies of all time and second only to Dirty Dancing. (In fact, Dirty Dancing so increased Patrick Swayze’s estrogen levels he had to make Roadhouse and Point Break to get his testosterone back online. My guess is Swayze still suffers the aftereffects of appearing in Dirty Dancing and goes into estrogen-induced depression every time he hears its theme song, I’ve Had The Time Of My Life, but...I digress. Let's get into this week’s topic.)

In Malcolm Gladwell’s excellent book, The Tipping Point, he examines how people wait for permission before taking action. Now, what Gladwell means isn't explicit permission, such as a project green light from your superior at work, but the implicit permissions we're exposed to each day. For example, you're a pedestrian at a traffic light and the person next to you decides to cross the street before the signal turns green. Without thinking about it, you follow the person across the street. After all, if someone else does it, it's all right. Further, if you do get in trouble at least you won't be alone. In a previous business venture, I used to put up fliers with “pull tabs"; pull-tabs are little strips of paper containing contact info that can be pulled off the flier. I discovered the response rate was much higher when I displayed fliers with a few tabs already pulled off than with fliers with all tabs intact. Why? Because people wait for permission from others. In most areas in life, no one wants to be first.

From an early age, most of us are conditioned to ask permission before doing anything. This behavior is continually reinforced over the years and most people spend even their adult lives either consciously (but mostly unconsciously) awaiting permission from others. Hell, I know men who refer to their wives as "She Who Must Be Obeyed". These men want someone to pick up where their mothers left off in giving them permission to live their lives. Somehow, many people take comfort in this--as long as someone else thinks it's okay, it must be fine. There's a sense of safety people find in letting others think for them: in relinquishing responsibility for your life you're no longer responsible for success or failure. Well, it looks lame on paper and it's worse in real life--such behavior is acceptable for children but absolutely unacceptable for adults.

When I was a kid I thought adults had it together and took charge of their own lives. As I've gotten older, it's become clear that most adults are over-sized children still seeking approval and permission and waiting for others to tell them what to do, not to mention relinquishing responsibility whenever possible. I read about children far more mature than typical adults and one striking example is Maia, the daughter of one of my online clients. Maia read out about a non-profit organization, Elephant Sanctuary on my site. Well, Maia loves all animals, especially elephants, and was inspired by this organization to raise money for their elephants. For her birthday, in lieu of buying gifts, she asked all her friends to make donations to Elephant Sanctuary and raised $500.00. Maia's only ten years old! I, for one, am impressed.

With so much to be gained from free thinking and risk-taking, why are so many adults still permission addicts? The permission payoff is feeling safe and comfortable: you're part of the herd and have support within the collective. If you take the independent path you'll likely have shots fired at you at some point and you'll stand alone in taking the flak. Still, the downside of permission addiction is living a life of quiet desperation. There's no excitement in waiting for others' permission. There's no excitement in following others' example instead of carving your own path--or at least putting your own twist on things.

I think most permission addicts are aware of this and look for tiny outlets of independence and rebellion whenever possible. For example, when I worked in the business development world and traveled with co-workers, I noticed the married men were always desperate to go to strip clubs. The second the business meetings were over, the new mission was finding a strip club.

Now I'm not talking about casual desire as in, “Hey, let's go kill some time and hit a strip club,”

No, I'm talking about compulsion: “We've got to get to a strip club because without my strip-fix this entire trip is a failure! We've got to go now! Where is it, where is it--we've got to find it--arghhhhhhh!”

I don't think visiting strip clubs is any big deal but these guys weren't going to clubs to simply check out the girls, they were craving that fleeting experience of independence. They were doing something for which they hadn't gotten permission and it excited them. If they'd had their wives' permission--or better yet, their encouragement--they'd unlikely have any desire to go to strip bars, since the fun would be gone.

What separates the successful from the unsuccessful is this: successful people neither wait for permission nor for others to carve a path to follow. Successful people aren't afraid of looking crazy, since who cares what permission-addicts think anyway? Innovative people come up with ideas, think them through, then follow up with strong action. Waiting around for permission is like waiting around for inspiration...what if no one ever shows up? Why don’t you be the first to give it a shot?