The High Price Of Ownership

Ownership is not limited to material things. It can also apply to points of view. Once we take ownership of an idea--whether it's about politics or sports--what do we do? We love it perhaps more than we should. We prize it more that it is worth. And, most frequently, we have trouble letting go of it because we can’t stand the idea of its loss. — Dan Ariely

The notion of our ideas and beliefs as things we own is an interesting one and explains why it can be so hard to grow and develop as a human being. Growth requires letting go of that in which we used to so firmly believe. Once we become comfortable within the constructs of what we think we are, it's difficult to let go, even if we don't like the construct! Many people like neither who, nor what, they've become yet find a coincident comfort there since the known is more acceptable to them than the unknown. Dishonest self-assessments always result in stagnant growth, and when you fail to grow, you fail in living life at its fullest--a serious disservice to yourself.

How much do we miss in life because of our attachments to who we think we are? The attachment to ownership in particular reminds me of a Buddhist story about a father who is told his son died in a battle. The father becomes so attached to the thought of his son's death that when his son appears, alive and knocking on the front door, the father refuses to open it, thinking someone must be playing a cruel trick on him.

You may find it unbelievable that a father won't even open the door to see if his son is standing there, but look closer at your own belief systems--you're sure to find a few things to which you're very attached. Some people dismiss ideas and opportunities on the spot, out of fear that openness to new ideas and opportunities will irrevocably change them. Yet their fear of change is irrational, since change is going to occur whether we like it or not--sometimes for the better and others for the worse. Avoiding opportunities to grow and reinvent ourselves is disastrous; we have only so many opportunities in life to grow and improve and they should not be taken lightly.

Worse than an over-attachment to the status quo is the illusion we've refined ourselves when in reality the person we assume we used to be is merely lying low and waiting to rise again. Behaving differently, while helpful, doesn't equal fundamental change. It's easy to lie to yourself and rationalize just about anything. Sometimes we don't accept reality no matter if it slaps us in the face.

A great example of this is the “glam metal” scene in the 1990's. In the 90's there occurred an explosion of glam metal bands: Poison, Cinderella, and innumerable other acts. These bands took off commercially and went from playing clubs to filling stadiums, selling countless hit records, and otherwise making tons of money. In the late 90's the scene died off with the rise of “grunge” music and bands like Nirvana and Alice in Chains took off. The record labels dropped the glam metal bands like so many toilet seats. A few shrewd record labels stepped in and offered deals much lower than what the glam bands had were used to, but few of the glam bands dealt, since in their minds they were still popular and entitled to more money. They still owned their belief in their rock stardom, even though reality wasn't on their same page. They refused both the low-ball offers and prerogatives to downgrade their lifestyles and the rest of the story writes itself.

Accepting reality doesn't mean we have to settle for at where we are right now, but we must be honest with ourselves, a critical component of instilling meaningful change. If you're broke but lie to yourself saying you have financial wealth, you're not changing anything, just deluding yourself and worse, creating an obstacle to true change. If you're fat and unhealthy yet tell yourself you're lean and healthy, you're lying to yourself while impeding positive change. Faking it until you make it doesn't work. Just make it--then there's no need to fake it.

We know we've achieved true change when we take new actions without having to think about them. For example, maybe you're a selfish person who couldn't care less about others, then, after realizing your own selfishness, you decide to change your ways. At first, you must actively think about others and practice being your compassion skills. Then, over time, you find yourself expressing these new qualities without any prior thinking. This is the sign of genuine change.

One of my favorite movies is the western, Unforgiven, starring Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman. Clint Eastwood plays William ‘Bill’ Munny, a retired criminal and cold-blooded killer. Throughout the movie, Munny repeatedly says he's no longer a killer, he's a changed man due to his wife's influence. Munny has himself convinced of this, until his good friend (Freeman) is brutally murdered by the crooked Sheriff Little Bill Dagget (Gene Hackman). Without hesitation, Munny returns to killing mode, not only murdering Little Bill Dagget, but all of the sheriff’s cronies as well. As Munny rides out of town, he threatens to kill anyone in the town--along with their families--who might think about coming after him. Like Munny, we may believe we've changed but it's life's circumstances that are our true judge.

Another classic movie demonstrating the evolution of character is The Untouchables, starring Kevin Costner and Sean Connery. Costner plays Eliot Ness, who's been given the task of bringing down the notorious Chicago gangster, Al Capone, played masterfully by Robert De Niro. Ness starts off as a by-the-book treasury agent who says he'll do everything within the law in taking down Capone. Being a by-the-book agent is the construct by which Ness views himself. Sean Connery plays a cop named Malone recruited by Ness as part of his team to take down Capone. Malone tells Ness, in no simple terms, he will have to throw away his rulebook if he wants to take down Capone--playing by the book won't cut it. Ness tries to stay the course within his belief system, but once he realizes it's not working he becomes a different person. By the end of the movie he breaks every one of his own rules (to which he was so attached) and brings down Capone. Ness's true nature is revealed by his circumstances.

Relinquishing ownership of our self-proclaimed defining construct is never easy. It is a necessity if we want to let go of what we think we are and transition instead into what we wish to become. Life is a cycle of destruction and creation.

Detachment from ownership of ideas and beliefs doesn't mean you stand for nothing. There's nothing wrong with a strong belief system and unwavering moral code. In fact, both are essential qualities or risk becoming a punching bag in the game of life. However, close-mindedness and rigidity impede personal growth and development. When we stop thinking, someone else will do it for us--and I don't have to explain to you how deadly that is.

****This week's quote is from the book Predictably Irrational. Thanks to my friend and magazine reader Ray Evans for the recommendation. For more info on the book, go to: www.predictablyirrational.com